Savage Love: Identity cards

I am a 40-year-old woman; I came out when I was 16. When I was 17, I met M, and we dated for eight years. M was a horrible human being—emotionally and occasionally physically abusive. M still sends me the occasional (creepy) email, wishing me a happy birthday or giving me updates on people I don’t really recall. I don’t respond. A few years back, I got an email saying that M was now “Mike.” I think it’s important to use the pronouns people want you to use for them. But Mike wasn’t Mike when he was in my life. Changing his pronoun when describing him feels like I’m changing my identity—my first real long-term relationship was with someone I thought was a woman. Mike caused a lot of damage in my life—does he get to fuck up (or complicate) my identity ...

Savage Love: Guilt-ridden

Over the years, I have consumed what I believe to be an average amount of porn for a 44-year-old hetero guy. I have never paid for it, and I am now facing a troubled conscience for that fact. I could obviously just subscribe to some site or other now, but that would benefit only one company and/or set of performers. Is there a Dan Savage-approved charity relating to the adult film industry to which I could donate?
Seeks Penance And Needs Knowledge

“Porn performers almost never get royalties for their scenes when they work for big studios,” says Conner Habib, a writer, activist, and porn performer. “If you buy into the trickle-down theory of things, then more money for the studio should mean more money for the performers. If you don’t buy into that—and not everyone does—there are other options.”

To get your money directly to ...